May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is.
- Ephesians 3:17
Back in April of 2012, we were told Sam had died. We had been in the process of rushing to get to him, to bring him home because his health was failing and we knew he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer without specialized medical care. And then the devastating news came.
I have never experienced a sorrow so deep. Many did not understand why we grieved. Most thought it was a blessing that we did not have the chance to hold him, but what they did not understand is that not being able to hold him, not being able to kiss him, feel his little arms and legs, or feel the warmth of his breathe against my shoulder or in my ears made it that much more difficult.
During that time, I listened to Audrey Assad's "Show Me" - the lyrics were the only thing that came close to touching the ache in my heart.
"You can plant me like a tree beside a river, you could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild, and I would blossom like a flower in the desert, but for now just let me cry...bind up these broken bones, mercy bend and breathe me back to life, but not before you show me how to die."
I would listen to that song for hours. It ministered to my heart on so many different levels. It is a song about pain and grieving and wanting to be left to grieve. It is a song about being broken, knowing only God can heal you and put you back together again. It is a song about learning how to cling to God in your darkest, lowest moments and how He will be faithful to stay with you regardless of how you feel about Him. But the more I listened to that song, the more I began to realize, the reason I was listening to it wasn't so much about my sorrow as it was about my desperate need for hope.
I listen to this song at least a few times a week now. It is a gentle reminder of the sweet moments I had with my Savior as He attended to my broken heart. And as I listen, He reminds me still, Kimberly, be desperate for Hope. Sit still and let Me work. Let Me heal the places that are wounded. Just be present with Me - that is the only thing you need to do. I will sit with you as you heal. I will wait for you as you rest. And then, when you are ready, I will show you how to live.